When Santa Spaffed In My Stocking (2011)

by Footprints In The Custard

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about

Santa's a paedo. Think about it, he travels around the world every year visiting children in their bedrooms and giving them 'presents'.
To raise awareness of this festive fiddler and his dastardly deeds, we've penned this classic.
Spread the word! Santa Claus might be 'coming' to your 'town' this Christmas.
Remember: Bear trap.

credits

released December 18, 2011

Russ Gregory - Vocals
Ian Fraser - Bass, Vocals
Whitty Whitworth - Guitars, Vocals
Ross Vickers - Guitars
Tommo Walker - Drums

'Special' intro by our good friends, The Bathroom Crooners.

Thanks to Sagetyrtle, Benjamin Flack and Audible Edge from the Freesound Project for the samples.

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about

Footprints In The Custard Manchester, UK

In the summer of 2006, a group of bored college students decided to form a band. Pizza, Whisky and Pepto Bismal. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect band. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction... Chemical X.

Thus Footprints In The Custard were born!

Three albums, an EP and a Christmas single later, no one has died or gone on fire. Yet.
... more

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Track Name: When Santa Spaffed In My Stocking
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And spirits were high
I was all tucked up in bed
I knew Santa was nigh
The stockings were hung
The mince pies were out
And I drifted to sleep
With good feelings throughout

But when Santa descended the chimney
His breathing was heavy
I thought it was due to his weight
But he was just getting ready
He crept into my room
With his sack in his hand
And decked my halls
With his testicular glands

When Santa spaffed in my stocking
I’ll admit that I cried
It was horrid and crusty
Because it had dried
When Santa spaffed in my stocking
There went my Christmas day
My presents are festive in the worst possible way

Cumming all ye faithful
Over all that’s in sight
Spilling his eggnog
And pulling his cracker all night
Putting his pig in blankets
Was not enough for St. Nick
He had to stuff my turkey
And baste with his prick

He went through my selection box
And ate all the best ones
And then he spread his jolly jam
Over my hot-crossed buns
It wasn’t a silent night
But it was a holy night
He was away in my manger
Setting his pudding alight

When Santa spaffed in my stocking
I’ll admit that I cried
It was horrid and crusty
Because it had dried
When Santa spaffed in my stocking
There went my Christmas day
My presents are festive in the worst possible way

Santa’s been dreaming of a white Christmas too
It’s horrid, translucent, all covered in goo
Following that reindeer booty all over the earth
Gave him a stiffy so huge with a pulsating girth

Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day
But tell me why did it have to be this way?
When Santa’s Yule log became unfurled
All’s he wanted was to feed the world

When Santa spaffed in my stocking
I’ll admit that I cried
It was horrid and crusty
Because it had dried
When Santa spaffed in my stocking
There went my Christmas day
My presents are festive in the worst possible way

Now Santa’s sack is empty
He’s given all his presents to me
There are tears in my eyes
Spunk in my Christmas tree
But next year I know
I’ll pull my own stunt
I’ll lace his brandy with roofies
And rape the fat cunt
Track Name: Me And My Chipboard
Deep in my heart, deep in my soul
There’s something missing, I’m not whole
There is something I don’t have
Nothing for you to grasp
All my nights I can’t sleep
Knowing I am incomplete
I have nothing left to lose
Nothing for your hands to use

I know I can never be
Anymore than you now see
So please don’t tell me lies
When you look into my eyes

Place your hands upon my chest
Say you’ll always love me best
But when your hands find nothing there
Tell me truly you don’t care

Out of my heart, out of my soul
My life is rushing to a close
All around me people see
Everything I fail to be
Can you not see that I am lost?
For my crimes I’ve paid the cost
I wish I could be complete
Become part of the elite