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Every Hole Is A Goal (2011)

by Footprints In The Custard

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  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

    The second album by UK Punk-Metal felch-lovers, Footprints In The Custard.

    The album is summed up succinctly by George of RockMusicCritic.com as, "truly an abomination. I mean that in the best possible way. This is a blight on anything that is good and right and proper, and I think that is exactly what they want it to be. It makes me think this is what it would sound like if G.G. Allin joined The Dead Milkmen and wrote metal songs. This stuff is bizarre, it’s kind of schizophrenic."

    If that isn't enough reason to give it a listen - you should probably start punching cats because of all the fun you're going to miss out on.
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  • Pickleweasel T-Shirt
    T-Shirt/Apparel + Digital Album

    Pickleweasel shirt, designed by Alex 'Beak' Heathcock and Shaun Martland. Printed by Ruth Vidler.

    All designs are printed on Fruit of the Loom shirts.

    Available in Black or White for Men and Women. Plus some Gren and Purple tie-dye beasts!

    Please note: The shirts are all made by hand in a local studio and as such, the quality varies significantly - you're paying for a taste of grungy nostalgia rather than a high-end product!

    Includes unlimited streaming of Every Hole Is A Goal (2011) via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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1.
Me.
2.
These days it seems way too hard to introduce yourself There is no way if you don’t have money, looks and wealth A drug of love seems to be my best friend Tease all you want I’ll get you in the end Rohypnol Romance It’s the only way to go Rohypnol Romance There’s no way to say no Rohypnol Romance Faster than a conversation Rohypnol Romance For easy molestation In the bedroom she is lifeless but I do not mind Lack of consent’s not an issue; I’ll have a good time Slipped in her drink and nobody else saw Just minutes later she crashed to the floor Rohypnol Romance Giving me complete control Rohypnol Romance Every hole is a goal Rohypnol Romance Get her and then her friend Rohypnol Romance Will this party never end?
3.
Oh my hair is in my eyes it’s in my face but I don’t care I was just trekking along when I got face-fucked by a bear Well I blame my GHDs for the position that I face Thank Christ no one has a camera I don’t need this on Myspace As I try to run away from a cock between the eyes I have no hope of escaping this sexual bear surprise Oh I’m trying not to choke on this massive bear schlong Now I close my eyes and wonder how this all went so wrong Oh God, it’s warm! Luncheon meat truncheon leaves no escape (there’s enough bear there) From this massive bear cock in my face (but I don’t want to share) If I didn’t have this fringe then I could’ve been running Instead I’m forced down on my knees with this grizzly bear cumming I thought by snakebites they would chafe but he doesn’t seem to care But then when I think about it he is an eight-foot fuckoff bear Oh he must have blown his load over half a dozen times I guess I must have a talent ‘cause to him it feels sublime My MCR hoody is fucked my eyeliner starts to run My new converse well they’re ruined from the onslaught of bear cum It’s stuck in my throat but now I don’t really give a fuck Getting raped by a bear to out to be good luck To swallow this load I must try my best not to chuck I never realised just how much I love to suck Purple helmet warrior attack (there’s too much bear there) Hypnotised by his swinging bear sack (help) Now my throat is in such pain and the bear is thrusting fast After so many brutal loads this no longer such a blast Blood and semen flowing out in viscous red and white cascades In my mind I see a tunnel and the light begins to fade I face my death upon this cock impaled deep within my throat As I’m beaten in the chin by this mighty bear scrote Forget cutting your wrists this is the only way to go Just get down upon your knees and suck some fat bear chode
4.
Let me express myself ever so graphically Of kids prostrated on the altar so seductively They drive me mad, they drive me wild, they make my habit chafe As long as I’m around no child alive is safe Molesting kids taking them home it’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it Swear to me that you’ll never falter and I’ll stick it right up your altar I’m a Catholic pious as hell but I love it when those children yell None of the girls only the boys stick it in hard with some room for toys Wait for the bell to ring children flocking in Hold them behind after class to engage in original sin Don’t be scared don’t be afraid, what would Jesus do? He’d bend over, a smile on his face, and wait for the Holy Glue Don’t you tell never grow old Don’t you tell do as you’re told Be my Peter Pan
5.
The Curse 04:22
Lying here these robes are shed I’ve played this moment so much in my head But you can’t Or at least I won’t I don’t know how you can bleed so much and not die Every month it’s everywhere how are you still alive? I’m longing for this connection But it’s swamped by your menstruation It’s a tide It’s a God damn torrent
6.
She is my perfect girl but there’s some things I’d do that would make her hurl She’s a firecrotch and what that means is the curtain and the drapes share the same sheen Angry dragon it’s in your throat I hit you in the head it comes out your nose Angry pirate that’s similar you see I get it in your eye then I kick you in the knee Hayley you’ll never know just how much I need, To knock the back right out of you and spray you with my seed Spitroast requires a friend we’ll line your ass up then both take an end Or a three way with Megan Fox I could just stare while you eat her box Rusty trombone would work for me just a quick reach around while you’re in tongue deep Alligator fuckhouse is for the pros lock your jaws of death and do a barrel roll Cleaveland steamer, donkey punch, dirty sanchez, a hot lunch Tony Danza, Boston pancake, space docking, honest Abe
7.
8.
Blob Bunnies 02:56
We’ve come to all or nothing let’s try this out A red ocean cascades into the mouth Scrape the pieces from my eyes but the blood just comes to nothing Next to the big surprise Blob bunnies flying out of your minge We’re going down on a blob bunny binge One mistake and the trap is sprung Uteral lining builds on my tongue Can’t escape this ceaseless flow How was I supposed to know? Is it live or is it dead? It’s tasty despite all I’ve said I know that I should falter I know that I should quit I can’t believe the refuse that’s covering my lips It’s in my beard sticky and red Creeping down through the sheets staining the bed I know I should be disgusted by this chewy bunny blob Will I ever get the taste out of my overflowing gob It’s rushing down my face and hair leaving me with no respite Worst of all, the strange thing is I could go all night
9.
I had been out drinking myself half to death My vision was blurred my motor skills had left That’s when I saw her; an angel bathed in divine light I took her home where she showed me one hell of a night But now it seems that three days later something just ain’t right Itching flaking burning breaking keeps me up all night Oh my God my junk is turning green itching like hell And now what is that God awful smell? It’s vile discharge dripping down my legs Tell me what did I do to deserve these rancid gifts? I was looking for the ride of my life what I got was syphilis Everyone said it was plain to see but I could not tell from afar That she’d been round the block more times than a rusty old used car Now it seems my skin is flaking, no mistaking the rash Caught from her sickening diseased unclean gash The crabs and lice are at home in her erogenous zone At the time it felt so right but now it seems that I’m the victim There’s signs of major decay in every single rotting symptom Festering boils sick with disease all that comes out of my penis is cheese From then to now the contrast is stark I find it alarming that it glows in the dark Flaky and rotten smells like a farm mushrooms and fungi can only mean harm Fallen comrade closest of friends once tall and proud has gone green at the end
10.
She used to be such a sweet, sweet girl But on that night she shattered my entire world In the blink of an eye her innocence was gone I never knew that this girl could be so wrong She said It’ll be fine as long as it goes over my face It’ll be fine as long as there’s no paternity case It’ll be fine as long as you jump off of this ride It’ll be fine as long as you don’t spaff one off inside of me This is a girl with a high risk of infection This is a girl who doesn’t care about protection She was the one that I thought would remain pure Now it transpires she’s a filthy fucking whore It’ll be fine
11.
F In The C 03:59
F in the C in the motherfuckin’ house Wave your shit in the airand shout this fuckin’ out! The Footprints are back and they’re stomped in deep And what they’re gonna do is knock you off your feet! All you motherfuckers better prepare Scream ‘til you bleed, pump your fists in the air! ‘Cos the Pickleweasel’s back and he’s chilling in his lair Drinking whiskey by the gallon from his thick armchair He don’t care who you are, if you’ve come very far At the bar with a jar smokin’ a cigar If you get in his waythen you’d better fucking pray! You’re his prey by the way It ain’t your day today, wigga! This is the Custard with the motherfuckin’ Prints in! Scream ‘til you’re flustered and your eyeballs are wincin’! C’mon motherfucker, make it convincin’! Fuck this party up and let’s get the drinks in! The Pickleweasel’s all around Fuckin’ up your town with his badass sound! Kick up some shit if you wanna survive If you strive to provide, he’ll keep you alive! The idol of the party, the Pickleweasel massive “Boys down your drinks and girls shake your asses!” If you can’t see it yet, put on yo’ glasses! Footprints bringing this shit to the masses! Send me West motherfucker! You cannot comprehend What’s goin’ down with our green and purple friend! He ain’t bending no trend when there’s nothing to mend Fuckin’ up the wigga’s he’s a weasely gent! Picklin’ those corpses high up on the ceiling Cherishing the feeling of the skin as it’s peeling He’s wheelin’ and dealin’ with a rock hard feelin’ Stealing the innocence and weilding the freedom! And if it’s a good time you want get the bass a pumpin’! C’mon motherfucker, get the place a jumpin’! The Pickleweasel here and his rhythm is thumpin’! Get your tits out and he’ll ram his stump in! Bitch motherfucker! This shit is for real! Feeding energy like a three course meal! Tits and pussy are fucking ideal! Damn motherfucker, we’ll make them squeal! Keep you alive! Keep you alive!
12.
Love Custard 08:41
Lost in a world brought down to its knees Caught in a typhoon of semen and knob cheese Forced to set sail in a world swept away Doused in creamy peril since that fateful day I mourn for those lost in this man juice holocaust Oh this love custard Drenched from head to toe, On this sea of dread Charting the unknown, Oh this love custard The horizon’s pale As we ride these waves The sea men set sail Near to our end never to be free There is no escaping this global bukkake Search for a shore that ever evades Fleeing from the tyranny of syphilis and AIDS I mourn for those lost in this sex wee holocaust There’s no place to go and no safe haven awaits We are shot forth unto pearly gates The whole world is drowning humanity is lost In sweaty man mucus vessels are tossed Yeah it’s everywhere It’s in your hair Vision impaired Now the world is nought but dust cemented in my juice, Sprung forth from the phial of my lust my member and I make this truce To never lay hand to flesh again to never swoon in ecstasy To never fall to the needs of man oh spunk-filled symphony And now I sit upon my throne with oils and juices aplenty Unfulfilled and wasted I sit alone, flaccid coarse and empty Nothing can I see in my view from my turgid man-juice tower No blade of grass no sea of blue no animal nor flower I try to stand upon my feet but my legs they do not budge From the ice-white oozing prison of my own orgasmic sludge What is this oh what is this, this newfound devilry? That does hold me in a chrysalis that does thus torment me My jeans are stuck and my back is bent and I am much afraid That this is the cost of a world long spent, a debt that must be paid All that remains now the world is through Is a vast viscous ocean of sticky white goo But nevermind things could still be worse We could be adrift in blood and afterbirth I mourn for those lost in this love junk holocaust

about

A sordid collection of tracks written and recorded in the period between 2008 and 2011. The second album by Footprints In The Custard - Everybody's least favourite band!

credits

released October 1, 2011

Everything by Footprints In The Custard.

Recorded/Mixed by Ian Fraser at Filth Wizard Studios in Manchester. Additional mixing at Adelphi Basement Studios at the University of Salford.

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Footprints In The Custard Manchester, UK

Award-winning Party Metal Band from Manchester, UK.

Heavy and catchy tunes about partying, smelly genitals, unusual sexual habits, and bears.

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