Every Hole Is A Goal (2011)

by Footprints In The Custard

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

    The second album by UK Punk-Metal felch-lovers, Footprints In The Custard.
    The album is summed up succinctly by George of RockMusicCritic.com as, "truly an abomination. I mean that in the best possible way. This is a blight on anything that is good and right and proper, and I think that is exactly what they want it to be. It makes me think this is what it would sound like if G.G. Allin joined The Dead Milkmen and wrote metal songs. This stuff is bizarre, it’s kind of schizophrenic."
    If that isn't enough reason to give it a listen - you should probably start punching cats because of all the fun you're going to miss out on.

      name your price

     

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
04:22
6.
7.
8.
02:56
9.
10.
11.
03:59
12.
08:41

about

A sordid collection of tracks written and recorded in the period between 2008 and 2011. The second album by Footprints In The Custard - Everybody's least favourite band!

credits

released October 1, 2011

Everything by Footprints In The Custard.

Recorded/Mixed by Ian Fraser at Filth Wizard Studios in Manchester. Additional mixing at Adelphi Basement Studios at the University of Salford.

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Footprints In The Custard Manchester, UK

In the summer of 2006, a group of bored college students decided to form a band. Pizza, Whisky and Pepto Bismal. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect band. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction... Chemical X.

Thus Footprints In The Custard were born!

Three albums, an EP and a Christmas single later, no one has died or gone on fire. Yet.
... more

contact / help

Contact Footprints In The Custard

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Redeem code

Track Name: Everything I Want In A Girl
Me.
Track Name: Rohypnol Romance
These days it seems way too hard to introduce yourself
There is no way if you don’t have money, looks and wealth

A drug of love seems to be my best friend
Tease all you want I’ll get you in the end

Rohypnol Romance
It’s the only way to go
Rohypnol Romance
There’s no way to say no
Rohypnol Romance
Faster than a conversation
Rohypnol Romance
For easy molestation

In the bedroom she is lifeless but I do not mind
Lack of consent’s not an issue; I’ll have a good time

Slipped in her drink and nobody else saw
Just minutes later she crashed to the floor

Rohypnol Romance
Giving me complete control
Rohypnol Romance
Every hole is a goal
Rohypnol Romance
Get her and then her friend
Rohypnol Romance
Will this party never end?
Track Name: The Great Outdoors
Oh my hair is in my eyes it’s in my face but I don’t care
I was just trekking along when I got face-fucked by a bear
Well I blame my GHDs for the position that I face
Thank Christ no one has a camera I don’t need this on Myspace
As I try to run away from a cock between the eyes
I have no hope of escaping this sexual bear surprise
Oh I’m trying not to choke on this massive bear schlong
Now I close my eyes and wonder how this all went so wrong
Oh God, it’s warm!
Luncheon meat truncheon leaves no escape
(there’s enough bear there)
From this massive bear cock in my face
(but I don’t want to share)

If I didn’t have this fringe then I could’ve been running
Instead I’m forced down on my knees with this grizzly bear cumming
I thought by snakebites they would chafe but he doesn’t seem to care
But then when I think about it he is an eight-foot fuckoff bear
Oh he must have blown his load over half a dozen times
I guess I must have a talent ‘cause to him it feels sublime
My MCR hoody is fucked my eyeliner starts to run
My new converse well they’re ruined from the onslaught of bear cum

It’s stuck in my throat but now I don’t really give a fuck
Getting raped by a bear to out to be good luck
To swallow this load I must try my best not to chuck
I never realised just how much I love to suck

Purple helmet warrior attack
(there’s too much bear there)
Hypnotised by his swinging bear sack
(help)

Now my throat is in such pain and the bear is thrusting fast
After so many brutal loads this no longer such a blast
Blood and semen flowing out in viscous red and white cascades
In my mind I see a tunnel and the light begins to fade
I face my death upon this cock impaled deep within my throat
As I’m beaten in the chin by this mighty bear scrote
Forget cutting your wrists this is the only way to go
Just get down upon your knees and suck some fat bear chode
Track Name: Up Your Altar
Let me express myself ever so graphically
Of kids prostrated on the altar so seductively
They drive me mad, they drive me wild, they make my habit chafe
As long as I’m around no child alive is safe

Molesting kids taking them home it’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it
Swear to me that you’ll never falter and I’ll stick it right up your altar
I’m a Catholic pious as hell but I love it when those children yell
None of the girls only the boys stick it in hard with some room for toys

Wait for the bell to ring children flocking in
Hold them behind after class to engage in original sin
Don’t be scared don’t be afraid, what would Jesus do?
He’d bend over, a smile on his face, and wait for the Holy Glue

Don’t you tell never grow old
Don’t you tell do as you’re told
Be my Peter Pan
Track Name: The Curse
Lying here these robes are shed
I’ve played this moment so much in my head
But you can’t
Or at least I won’t

I don’t know how you can bleed so much and not die
Every month it’s everywhere how are you still alive?

I’m longing for this connection
But it’s swamped by your menstruation
It’s a tide
It’s a God damn torrent
Track Name: Things I Would Do Sexually To Hayley Williams
She is my perfect girl but there’s some things I’d do that would make her hurl
She’s a firecrotch and what that means is the curtain and the drapes share the same sheen
Angry dragon it’s in your throat I hit you in the head it comes out your nose
Angry pirate that’s similar you see I get it in your eye then I kick you in the knee

Hayley you’ll never know just how much I need,
To knock the back right out of you and spray you with my seed

Spitroast requires a friend we’ll line your ass up then both take an end
Or a three way with Megan Fox I could just stare while you eat her box
Rusty trombone would work for me just a quick reach around while you’re in tongue deep
Alligator fuckhouse is for the pros lock your jaws of death and do a barrel roll

Cleaveland steamer, donkey punch, dirty sanchez, a hot lunch
Tony Danza, Boston pancake, space docking, honest Abe
Track Name: Blob Bunnies
We’ve come to all or nothing let’s try this out
A red ocean cascades into the mouth
Scrape the pieces from my eyes but the blood just comes to nothing
Next to the big surprise

Blob bunnies flying out of your minge
We’re going down on a blob bunny binge
One mistake and the trap is sprung
Uteral lining builds on my tongue
Can’t escape this ceaseless flow
How was I supposed to know?
Is it live or is it dead?
It’s tasty despite all I’ve said

I know that I should falter I know that I should quit
I can’t believe the refuse that’s covering my lips
It’s in my beard sticky and red
Creeping down through the sheets staining the bed

I know I should be disgusted by this chewy bunny blob
Will I ever get the taste out of my overflowing gob
It’s rushing down my face and hair leaving me with no respite
Worst of all, the strange thing is
I could go all night
Track Name: Every STD In The Book
I had been out drinking myself half to death
My vision was blurred my motor skills had left
That’s when I saw her; an angel bathed in divine light
I took her home where she showed me one hell of a night

But now it seems that three days later something just ain’t right
Itching flaking burning breaking keeps me up all night

Oh my God my junk is turning green itching like hell
And now what is that God awful smell?
It’s vile discharge dripping down my legs

Tell me what did I do to deserve these rancid gifts?
I was looking for the ride of my life what I got was syphilis
Everyone said it was plain to see but I could not tell from afar
That she’d been round the block more times than a rusty old used car

Now it seems my skin is flaking, no mistaking the rash
Caught from her sickening diseased unclean gash
The crabs and lice are at home in her erogenous zone

At the time it felt so right but now it seems that I’m the victim
There’s signs of major decay in every single rotting symptom

Festering boils sick with disease all that comes out of my penis is cheese
From then to now the contrast is stark I find it alarming that it glows in the dark
Flaky and rotten smells like a farm mushrooms and fungi can only mean harm
Fallen comrade closest of friends once tall and proud has gone green at the end
Track Name: It'll Be Fine
She used to be such a sweet, sweet girl
But on that night she shattered my entire world
In the blink of an eye her innocence was gone
I never knew that this girl could be so wrong
She said

It’ll be fine as long as it goes over my face
It’ll be fine as long as there’s no paternity case
It’ll be fine as long as you jump off of this ride
It’ll be fine as long as you don’t spaff one off inside of me

This is a girl with a high risk of infection
This is a girl who doesn’t care about protection
She was the one that I thought would remain pure
Now it transpires she’s a filthy fucking whore

It’ll be fine
Track Name: F In The C
F in the C in the motherfuckin’ house
Wave your shit in the airand shout this fuckin’ out!
The Footprints are back and they’re stomped in deep
And what they’re gonna do is knock you off your feet!
All you motherfuckers better prepare
Scream ‘til you bleed, pump your fists in the air!
‘Cos the Pickleweasel’s back and he’s chilling in his lair
Drinking whiskey by the gallon from his thick armchair
He don’t care who you are, if you’ve come very far
At the bar with a jar smokin’ a cigar
If you get in his waythen you’d better fucking pray!
You’re his prey by the way It ain’t your day today, wigga!
This is the Custard with the motherfuckin’ Prints in!
Scream ‘til you’re flustered and your eyeballs are wincin’!
C’mon motherfucker, make it convincin’!
Fuck this party up and let’s get the drinks in!
The Pickleweasel’s all around
Fuckin’ up your town with his badass sound!
Kick up some shit if you wanna survive
If you strive to provide, he’ll keep you alive!

The idol of the party, the Pickleweasel massive
“Boys down your drinks and girls shake your asses!”
If you can’t see it yet, put on yo’ glasses!
Footprints bringing this shit to the masses!

Send me
West motherfucker! You cannot comprehend
What’s goin’ down with our green and purple friend!
He ain’t bending no trend when there’s nothing to mend
Fuckin’ up the wigga’s he’s a weasely gent!
Picklin’ those corpses high up on the ceiling
Cherishing the feeling of the skin as it’s peeling
He’s wheelin’ and dealin’ with a rock hard feelin’
Stealing the innocence and weilding the freedom!

And if it’s a good time you want get the bass a pumpin’!
C’mon motherfucker, get the place a jumpin’!
The Pickleweasel here and his rhythm is thumpin’!
Get your tits out and he’ll ram his stump in!
Bitch motherfucker! This shit is for real!
Feeding energy like a three course meal!
Tits and pussy are fucking ideal!
Damn motherfucker, we’ll make them squeal!

Keep you alive!
Keep you alive!
Track Name: Love Custard
Lost in a world brought down to its knees
Caught in a typhoon of semen and knob cheese
Forced to set sail in a world swept away
Doused in creamy peril since that fateful day

I mourn for those lost in this man juice holocaust

Oh this love custard
Drenched from head to toe,
On this sea of dread
Charting the unknown,
Oh this love custard
The horizon’s pale
As we ride these waves
The sea men set sail

Near to our end never to be free
There is no escaping this global bukkake
Search for a shore that ever evades
Fleeing from the tyranny of syphilis and AIDS

I mourn for those lost in this sex wee holocaust

There’s no place to go and no safe haven awaits
We are shot forth unto pearly gates
The whole world is drowning humanity is lost
In sweaty man mucus vessels are tossed

Yeah it’s everywhere
It’s in your hair
Vision impaired

Now the world is nought but dust cemented in my juice,
Sprung forth from the phial of my lust my member and I make this truce
To never lay hand to flesh again to never swoon in ecstasy
To never fall to the needs of man oh spunk-filled symphony
And now I sit upon my throne with oils and juices aplenty
Unfulfilled and wasted I sit alone, flaccid coarse and empty

Nothing can I see in my view from my turgid man-juice tower
No blade of grass no sea of blue no animal nor flower
I try to stand upon my feet but my legs they do not budge
From the ice-white oozing prison of my own orgasmic sludge
What is this oh what is this, this newfound devilry?
That does hold me in a chrysalis that does thus torment me
My jeans are stuck and my back is bent and I am much afraid
That this is the cost of a world long spent, a debt that must be paid

All that remains now the world is through
Is a vast viscous ocean of sticky white goo
But nevermind things could still be worse
We could be adrift in blood and afterbirth

I mourn for those lost in this love junk holocaust